Day in the Life of an Idiot

Turns out, in a surprise to only the richest man in the world, if you cut funding for the National Weather Service, storm predictions suffer.

We have a neighbor in one of our closed neighborhood groups who is a meterologist. When everyone (including me!) was complaining about the storm prediction that had "everyone overreacting," she explained some things to us.

Firstly: Garbage in, garbage out.

When budget hatchets come down, fewer things like weather balloons go up. Atmospheric conditions are largely tracked by weather balloons and some states have gone from releasing the usual two a day to ONE a day. Our weather here in Minnesota largely comes from the west. So, that means, on the day leading up to the potential big storm, the weather predictors were depending on data that was last current IN WYOMING, approximately 900 miles (1,448 km) away.

There was no new data between here and there that included upper atmospheric pressures, etc. All that data normally goes into the models they use to run their weather prediction maps. When they don't have data, their predictions are... SURPRISE!!... crap. Garbage in (or nothing at all in); garbage out.

So, if you feel "ripped off" because we got no storm on Monday, then BLAME TRUMP.

I mean, this is where it feels dumb... rather than evil. Like, I expect this current administration to be vindictive against what they call "wokeness," but what the f*ck is "woke" about weather reporting? Did people really feel there was a Big Weather problem, lots of bloat and misuse of funds? (Don't feel the need to answer this, these questions are rhetorical. I know that all government agencies got hit.)

/rant

But, so here it is Wedensay already, and I'd been meaning to write up some notes about what I've been reading. I am currently eighty-some percent of the way through the audiobook of The Mechanics of Memory by Audrey Lee. I will say that I think this book is a little longer than it needed to be, but I'm enjoying the general premise of it. It's about a woman who is basicaly wrongfully sent to a psychatric "spa" in order to have false memories implanted in her--though it turns out she's resistant (or maybe was prepped to withstand the "treatment"), so she's trying to figure out the mystery of why everyone has been sent here and what it has to do with a bunch of hackers known as the Mad Hatters (which, I mean, the name alone gives us a clue that perhaps this psych ward is, in fact, somehow involved.) It's one of those mysteries where you're pretty sure you're guessing ahead, but then another twist is introduced. It feels like it should be closer to the climax than it is right now. I'm at that phase where I would LIKE THEM TO GET AWAY WITH IT, but another complication just dropped. But, despite that, I would recommend it. The audiobook has at least two narrators and, unfortunately, one of them reads like he has never experienced an emotion in his life. But, luckily the majority of the chapters have someone else reading.

Previous to this I had someone read The Sculpted Ship (by K. M. O'Brien) to me, and that was another one where I started out more keen than I finished. The Sculpted Ship was to science fiction what Legends & Lattes is to high fantasy. The place where I ended up growing disintersted in The Sculpted Ship was where it left the formula of low stakes problem solving. There's a whole heist at the end that solves one of the main plot issues of the story, specifically how our heroine will get the parts to finish making her ship space worthy, but it goes deep into characters we only just met and I could have done without it, even though it puts a bow on the whole thing. I was there for the "how will our heroine make enough money to buy this part?" and "Will the heroine pass her etiquette lessons in time for the safari booking?" non-tension conflicts.

We all need a book like this from time to time.

If you pick it up, my only caveat is that K. M. O'Brien is a dude writing about women and I knew that the moment that his point-of-view heroine described another woman as "well-endowed." This wasn't a cardinal sin? I do know some women who might say something like this, but there is later an aborted sexual assault that just didn't quite ring true for me. Mileage may vary, however.

So, with The Memory Mechanic nearly done, I have another list of possiblities.

HOWEVER, if I can figure out how to get the audio files to my phone, the following list may be moot, as the Hugo Award reading packet included audio files for almost all of the books nominated this year. Audiobooks included are: A Sorceress Comes to Call by T. Kingfisher, Service Model by Adrian Tchaikovsky, The Ministry of Time by Kaliane Bradley, and Someone You Can Build a Nest In by John Wisewell  (the last of which I listened to some time ago and really enjoyed.)  So, it's missing a couple? But, that's pretty impressive!

The list of things that I have queued up in Libby are:

Nnedi Okorafor's Remote Control (this appears to be a novella, as it's only 4 hours long)
Annalee Newitz's The Future of Another Timeline
Mike Chen's Light Years From Home
Kemi Ashing-Giwa's The Splinter in the Sky
Vic James's Gilded Cage
Jenn Lyons's The Sky on Fire
Christopher Paolini's To Sleep in a Sea of Stars

If anyone has recommendations among those (or which Hugo nominee I should start with), I'd love to hear what you have to say.

I THINK I have a plan to get the Hugo nominees over to my phone, but if not, I'll end up listening to those piecemeal on my computer while doing things in the house (which is fine, it's just less convenient than my phone. And now is the weather for yardwork, so! I may actually become one of those people who has two different books going at once!) 

Anyway, I hope you all are doing well. Reading anything fun or different? 

Like everyone I know, I've been trying to figure out how to cope in these trying times. 

I find that, for myself, I do better when I feel like I'm contributing something. Doing anything--no matter how small (and these days I am counting really small things)--in Real Life makes me feel like I'm holding back a tiny bit of darkeness.

The other day, Shawn spotted a volunteer gig with CoCoRaHS (Community Collaborative Rain, Hail, & Snow Network.) These are the people who bring you a whole lot of weather-related data that helps a whole bevy of institutions and businesses from The National Weather Service (yay!) to Insurance Adjusters (ugh). This isn't like being a storm spotter (though that might be my next thing), it's way more granular and boring science. Like they have a motto that says, "Be a hero, report zero." What they want are daily records of your little microcosom. I will be literally tracking my own backyard FOR SCIENCE.

I signed up immediately and have since been patiently waiting for my fancy-ass rain guage to arrive. This is not your grandma's rain guage. Without the CoCoRaHS discount, this thing costs nearly a hundred bucks! On the other hand it measures to a hundreth of a degree. 

So, finally, in yesterday's mail, the guage arrived!!

I've been so excited to get this that at one point yesterday I actually double-checked a package that was approximately the expected size that was placed at my across the street neighbor's doorstep, just to be sure my guage was not misdelivered. I'm sure Tesla Caleb (my new across the street neighbor, replacing the Hot Swede. who has, in fact, returned to Sweden) was freaked to see me do so in his little Google-spy doorcam. I have no regrets. If he's worried about me, he can text!

Now comes the big exciting problem: where to place it.

In developed areas, like where I live, they want the guage top to be approximately 5 feet off the ground. I am hoping that it will work out to attach it to the back of our little free library. Otherwise, we're going to have to have dig and set a post somewhere in our yard. They want you to be sure not to get splash off a roof, etc., but perhaps there will be a way to make sure the guage lip is higher than the LFL roof.

This will be one of our weekend projects. 

And,  you know what? It's something nice to think about instead of *gestures at everything*

 
Image: Sign saying: (trans) Girls Just Wanna Have Fun

This morning, in my inbox, was a notification from "Women's March Minnesota" reminding me to generally be political. Among their various suggestions was a rally TODAY at the State Capitol at 2 pm to protest HF12, which is a piece of legislation aimed at trying to restrict trans women and girls from participating in sports in Minnesota. OutFront MN organized it to happen in front of the House Chambers as they were going into deliberation (we started at 2 pm, the legislature started their talks at 3:30 pm). I actually couldn't stay for very long as I had to pick Shawn up from work just down the street at the History Center. But I showed up and hung out as long as I could. It was delightful to watch people from all over show up, unfurl trans flags, rainbow flags, and nonbinary flags. 

At least one (obvious and fursuit wearing) person from the furry community showed up and I could not have been more pleased. I fucking LOVE Minnesotans.

There was an absolutely DISTURBING number of heavily armored, armed State Troopers at the Captiol, however. I presume they were there for us, because the folks protesting right before we were where homeless foster kids who were trying to save their program's funding and (sadly) there weren't nearly as many of thos folks.

At any rate, the police presence seemed like overkill. 

Still, for a Monday afternoon, I thought it was an amazing showing.  Here's a shot that gives you a small sense of the crowd. We filled the second floor of the rotunda and spilled down into the first floor. 



Image: Doesn't look nearly as impressive as it was. Most of the signs say "Let Kids Play" (in trans flag colors)

I don't know what good it will do, but I do think the MN Legislature now knows we will turn out in force when they threaten trans folks. There was not a single MAGA hat in the crowd. Hopefully, soon, we will get our majority back (in Minnesota) and we can block crap like this from even being discussed.

But, until then, we FIGHT.

 I'm currently in another screen waiting for my podcast co-host to show up. 

Willow (our cat) is in the hallway, just outside of the room I record in, meowing at me for attention. Meanwhile, I have no idea if I'm in the right place because some time ago my co-host got irritated that I never seemed to remember when we were recording and asked if he could access my Google calendar, so we could sync up. Good idea! Only, I used to always attach the Zoom link to my calendar notification. Now, it and the alarm to remind me to show up are gone.

Not a huge problem, just a small irritation. 

Last night I slept for crap because I decided in my infinite wisdom that it was a good time to catch up on John Oliver and, thus, I spent much of the night last night waking up in a heightened sense of existential dread. 

Should be an interesting show today!

 
Image: the f*cking wheel bearing

The car story gets worse, but also better. 

The tl:dr is we took it to Troy's in Roseville got amazing service and a lot of sympathy. Tried to get Tim's to refund us was told they'd never replaced the FRONT wheel bearings only the rear, so "too bad, so sad."

The longer story. When I heard back from Troy's on Tuesday they said "Our mechanic took it for a drive and it is the worst sounding wheel bearing we have ever heard." I, of course, expressed astonishment that it could be a wheel bearing at all since Tim's bill clearly stated "replaced wheel bearings [both sides]." Troy had no idea what to say. But, the car was barely drivable, so I said, "Of course, do the work, but if you could please take a few pictures so that we could have some proof to show Tim's and maybe we could get our money back?" Troy is a mechanic not a computer whiz, but they promised to do their best and figure out how to email us the pictures. 

They did an amazing job, btw. When I walked in the door they had a mechanic come out from the back, go to my car with me, and let me try to produce the weird electrical problem. Of course, it fired up like a dream. We joked that it's like trying to reproduce a cough at the doctor's office. It just never happens. The mechanic said they'd take a look, anyway, and see what they could find. He asked me all the right questions, "Does it happen when this?" "Does it happen when that?" 

At the very, very least I felt listened to.

Troy called me with updates along the way and was very consciencous about getting things done for me by the time I needed the car back. They took pictures and expressed disappointment with Tim's. "I'd heard such good things about them," said Troy in a sad voice.

When the mechanic drove it, he noted that the other horrible rattling was probably a loose heat shield so they tightened that back down FOR FREE. They also recommended replacing some tires, which, of course, necessitates an alignment, and I had asked for an oil change since one was due.

So, the bill was hefty.

But they also tested the battery and it FAILED. So, they thought that a first step to solving the electrical problems might be to replace the battery, did I want to do that? I said, "Honestly, it can't hurt. Though that was the first thing I did when this problem started." (To be fair to me, that was right when we first got this car, which is several years ago now.)

When I picked it up? It ran like a dream. I couldn't believe it. And, so far? The weird electrical gremlin has either gone into hiding or, is, in fact, fixed. (I find the later to be unlikely, but at least when I return it to Troy, we will both know exactly when the battery was replaced, etc.)

I had to work Wednesday as it was the last official day of the snow emergency and I had signed up to do what they call "snowbirding" (which is tagging obviously abandoned cars that are completely covered in snow and clearly plowed around.) A WAY more fun job that tagging cars during a snow emergency. The owners of the cars are... not around? So, no one comes out to yell at you. Also, I got to drive alone. One thing to know about your girl Lyda: she is well suited for jobs where she works mainly independently. 

But, so anyway, this morning, bright early I showed up the moment Tim's opened. I brought their paperwork, Troy's paperwork, the actual front wheel bearing removed by Troy, and Troy's pictures of their work to the office. I was ready to fight for $600 back. (Also, Troy charged us $300 for a single wheel bearing; Tim's charged us $600.) Y'all I was calm. I did not ask to speak to the manager, but I did ask to speak with someone who could authorize a refund. Apparently, it was their front desk guy Sean who at first tried to tell me that they only replaced ONE of the wheel bearings, until I pointed to the part on their bill that clearly says both. Then, he told me he needed to "check their notes" and SPENT A LOT OF TIME TYPING and then showed me a print out of the behind the scenes notes where the mechanic said "rear" and that "a growling sound persisted."

Now, 1) you'd think you'd write "rear" wheel bearings on the bill, but it just says "replaced both wheel bearings," and 2) you'd think a good mechanic might feel, at this point, that maybe the job wasn't done and that the next step would be to recommend (or, hell, just CHECK) the front wheel bearings, but apparently not.

Apparently, if Sean didn't just add this note while I stood there waiting for him to respond to me, they are AT LEAST guilty of being really, really negligent mechanics. Because nothing came back to me that said, "growling persists." In fact, I was quite shocked to discover that growling persisted. 

Moreover, the car was dangerous to drive.

But, Tim's not only let me drive away in a dangerous car, let me pay them nearly $2,000 for a job NOT FINISHED. 

So... one of my jobs today is to figure out how to make a complaint to the Better Business Bureau, possibly the Attorney General, and f*ck up all their yahoo, Google, and Angie's lists reviews as much as physically possible. I guess that's my only recourse. All and all we are out $3,000--most of that is stuff that I guess needed doing? Do I trust any of Tim's recommendations at this point? No, for all I know they replaced things that didn't need replacing, like, did the rear wheel bearings need replacing? I don't know any more. Because Troy only replaced one of the wheel bearings in the front and now it works great!

When I told Troy that Tim's had also recommended a new tie rod, they came back to me and said 'No, we checked. Your tie rod is solid. The big problem was this front wheel bearing.' And, given HOW WELL the car drives right now, the people I believe are at Troy's!  And think of it. I would have, had I continued to think that Tim's was capable of doing "the basics" spent money on a tie rod that absolutely DOES NOT need replacing.

Did my belts need replacing? Now, I'm not sure!

This is so awful, y'all. 

Plus, I had to stand in line with people dropping off their cars off at Tim's. I listened to one woman who was desperately trying to save a few dollars asking if they could do a break line reroutering instead of full replace and they told her no, they don't do that, for this reason and that, but mostly YOUR SAFETY. And, I really, really had to old my tongue and say, "Try Troy's. If it can safely be done, they will do it AND they don't charge for an inspection."

I feel like this is so predatory. A lot of people who live in Midway are, like me, borderline... well, I can't say "poor" because I think that conjures up the wrong image... maybe very, very working class? Maybe "getting by, but certainly not flush."  That last description is probably the best. Lots of folks in Midway own their own homes, but we all bought into the kind of neighborhood where you see a lot of people replacing their own shingles, say, one at a time, rather than hiring the company that does it, you know? I did my own concrete repair on my stairs because the bids I got would have bankrupted us, (like, seriously, it was obvious that the company didn't want to do so small a job because they quoted us LITERALLY $30,000. I did the work myself for the cost of two bags of concrete and one specialized tool and the miniscule internet cost of three different YouTube tutorials.) And, Turbo Tim's is set up not only here, but in Northeast, which is another notoriously poor/working class/just getting by kind of neighborhood. 

What the hell. I am so disappointed.

But, the short of it? My car is repaired now. I am praying for another snowstorm so I can tag some more cars for money.... Goddamn it.

----
Complaint has been registered with the Better Business Bureau for all that's worth. Now on to the various review sites!

 My parents noted that I left the car story on a cliffhanger. 

So hang no more!

Car is stil not fixed. I have a temporary solution, which was always the temporary solution, and that's currently how we are getting around. I need to try to make an appointment somewhere else, but I have failed to have the appropriate number of spoons to do it. It's even worse, as it's one of those situations where I have several really good recommendations, I just haven't felt up to making the call to see when/if I can get in.

My spoons have been low this whole last week because I've been really rather broken over yet-another-drama in one of my roleplaying games. It's apparently surprisingly difficult for people to be kind and empathetic when I'm not the one doing the emotional intelligence gathering and heavy-lifting, I guess? It shouldn't be a surprise, after all this time, but here we are. I'm feeling fully wrecked over something that is ultimately very, very, very, VERY stupid* and not worth this much of my time or energy.

I've lost a full week and at least one friendship to it and that's just dumb.

On the flipside, my players pulled off an amazing conclusion to a D&D mini-campaign on Saturday and I spent a full twelve hours HIGH on the experience of that. We laughed, we cried, we solved not one, but THREE (well, two and a half, as per D&D one of the victims was revivified!) murders!  It really felt exactly like what a good gaming session should feel like. It was not quite enough for them all to level up next time, but they were handsomely rewarded and avoided starting a full-on Seelie/UnSeelie Fey War.

What a f*cking amazing game. 

So, there is hope, my friends. There is always hope.

===
*The fact that this is all happening over a game that should be fun is stupid, to be clear. Not the problem.

I saw a skeet on Bluesky a couple of days ago that hit me hard. It was from a trans person who was decrying the lack of energy and outcry around Congresswoman Nancy Mace's proposed bathroom ban in DC and the Capitol building. This person was like, "Where is everyone? Where is the groundswell? Last time we were so loud! Now, it's crickets!"

I am ashamed to admit this, but my first thought was, "OMG, it's because I am already so tired."

But, thankfully, my second thought was, "No, that's exactly what they're hoping for. That we're too tired to do it all again, to commit to calling or writing our Congress members as early and as often as it takes." So, I sat my a$$ down in my chair today and I wrote to all three of my congress critters. It was going fine?

... and then I hit Tina Smith's form.

As many of you may remember from the last go-round, a lot of Congress folks have these little electonic forms that you fill out. Often one of the required feilds is "subject matter" and you are only allowed to choose from a drop-down list of things like, agriculture, economy, foreign affairs, etc. Okay, so my House Rep, Betty McCullom had the option "LGBTQIA+" and since I was premptively writing to remind her that trans people are people who need to pee and so I expect her to vote down bullying bullsh*t that makes life extra difficult for my fellow human beings, I clicked that. My Senator Amy Klobuchar did not have a LGBTQIA+ option, but did have Civil Rights, so, since trans rights are civil rights, I clicked that.

Tina Smith had neither.

I chose "General" since that was my only option, wrote my piece, and ended with a sternly worded P.S. in which I noted that I found it deeply uncomfortable that there wasn't even a "Civil Rights" option.

I went back to doing the dishes.... and proceeded to slowly lose my mind.And I kept turning around in my head that Tina Smith was so cowardly that she couldn't even put CIVIL RIGHTS as an option for things that she was willing to talk to her constituents about.  I couldn't let it go. I put down the dish I was washing, wiped my hands, and returned to the keyboard.

Clicking "General" again, I basically entitled my follow-up "And Another Thing" becuase.... Do you remember when all the pudents told us that one of the reasons that our legistalors have been moving to the center/right is because they used to get harrassed so constantly by the conservative wack-jobs in their districts that they started to feel like those loudest voices were the will of the people? I have decided that I'm going to be a liberal whack-job that this darkest timeline needs.

So I told her what I believe. 

Personally,--and I am aware that this is nothing but a gut feeling, I have no polls to back this up--I believe that the Left didn't turn out to vote because of people like her: cowards. From the top down, Democrats have been yellow-bellied cowards for some time now. Just one haka would have gone a long way. But, instead, what we get is senators like her who are too afraid of the right, too cowed by Nazis, too determined to work across that aisle, that they won't even put CIVIL RIGHTS down as an option of things to talk about.

If I get put on some nut job ban list by her office, I don't care. Civil rights seems like the sort of thing that a person REPRESENTING ME ought to have the balls to DISCUSS.  I mean, I'm not even asking her to stand up for them, since, clearly, she's afraid to even utter LGBTQIA+ on a list--much less Civil F*cking Rights. 

I didn't swear in my letter, though. Nothing useful comes of that. Honestly, nothing useful comes of writing our Congress critters either, but this is one of those things I've determined, for myself, is a "yes, and."  It takes so little effort on my part to send an email. It is something I can continue to do so that, if nothing else, historians will know that there were a few of us who didn't just surrender like mindless sheep to the fascists. 

I was supposed to attend an Indivisible Zoom last night, but I just couldn't face human beings yesterday.

I had similar troubles with this stuff in the last go-round, but this time I'm hoping to have cracked the code. I signed up for three of these, all of which are going to happen within the next several days. I know I have a tendency to glance at the clock around 7pm and think, "No, nope, I am out, I am done people-ing!" so I have chosen ones that happen at different times throughout the day with the understanding that I will make ONE of the three. 

Also, this week continues to just be hard.

I did just come home from a fun distraction, however. I went to a training session for my new temporary seasional job as a ticketer (tagger) for snow emergency parking violations. I am a little disappointed that as a newbie I will not be given my own route to drive alone. On the other hand, given that we are driving around in company vechiles when it is legitimately scary to be out and about in WEATHER, I can see the logic of having a second person around. Also, I'm excited to discover that I won't be REQUIRED to work the night shift. I was ready? But, I'm just as happy to not have to, though the shifts are nine hours. Which is... a lot for this old body.

I mean, I can always quit. Or pray that we have a winter like last year where literally no snow emergencies were called. 

I would like to at least see what the job is like one time. There are some cool things about it, including the fact that you get a "badge" number, even though we are not cops. The actual ticket writing (which we practiced) was kind of fun? I don't know. It will no doubt be grueling as fuck and I will hate it (especially the part where I am working with someone else.) I will need to invest in some better boots. My feet tend to get really cold and jumping in and out of a car in slush and snow is going to be hard on the old tootsies, as they say. 

But, I am now basically ready to roll. It's supposed to snow this week!

If nothing else, I got paid to go to the training. One guy, in the row behind me, fell asleep so hard he was snoring. I was one of three white people there, though the room was divided pretty evenly men/women. I will say that at least one or two other people looked like they might be queer and/or nonbinary. I mean this is very much a fill-in as you can kind of job. Most people, at a guess, were working another job... possibly several. I, at least, have the luxury of being able to sleep the whole day away the next day, if necessary, to catch up on sleep.

So, I dunno. I will let you know what it's like if it ever goes off!

 Quick administrative note before I get into the rest of it: I've changed my policy about who I'm granting access to my locked posts to. I didn't have any problem that precipitated this. So, if you are finding yourself suddenly dropped, please don't imagine it's because you did anything wrong!  I've decided for simplicity's sake that I'm only granting access to folks who subscribe to me. I'm doing this in part because I discovered that I was following a bunch of dead accounts, all of whom still had access. I just figured that while I was there, I might as well make everything consistent. The chance that I will let you back in if you ask is incredibly high. In fact, if you'd rather not subscribe but still want see my locked posts, just drop me a request. I apologize for any disruption in your service, as it were!

==

Okay, so.  I can't believe it's already noon and I've accomplished next to nothing.

It's kind of been like this since last Tuesday, however?  

The specifics of this morning go like this. Shawn and I got up and were doing our usual things when we realized that we needed to get our car off the street by 7 am for the street sweeper. So, I threw some lunch together for her (I have been making bento for Shawn since we bought a fancy, double-decker bento box several years ago), and we rushed out the door without breakfast. We decided to stop at Brugger's and although we're enough of regulars there that the guys behind the counter start making my sandwiches before I order, I really need to change that order because my GERDS can no longer handle the Swiss and sausage egg sandwich. But, as I'm sure some of you can relate, 1) it feels too hard right now to ask them to change the order, and 2) honestly, the kindness of the gesture is worth the stomach upset. Like, I need small kindesses so much right now, you know? 

I got home and did some of my usual morning internetting, which no longer involves checking social media. I have largely given up being on Facebook, outside of using it as a place to post cute pictures or pictures of food I am making or have made. If you want to follow me on a social, I am at Bluesky: @lydamorehouse.bsky.social


Image: half-eaten tray of fresh, homemade hot cross buns

Then, my alarm went off reminding me to get ready to record my podcast with Ka1lban. I was also working on a new review for MangaKast, which I have not updated in well over a month, and so I didn't really notice the time go by... until it was almost a half hour past when he usualy shows up. I dropped a note to him in Discord, wondering what was up--but apparently he doesn't get notifications from that... and anyway, he hadn't been planning on recording today, anyway, unbeknowst to me. 

This is where things start to feel very abortive, you know? Like, I'm all prepped for something that just isn't happening. 

I'm a little worried that something similar is going to happen tonight as well. I'm supposed to be running a Thirsty Sword Lesbians game at 7pm for a new group that I've assembled. I am embarrassingly prepared.  Like, it's a cyberpunk setting and I made two little mini movies of "found footage" for this group (if they follow the right clues!!) This is part of what I did to occupy my time while we were waiting for the news last Tuesday night, so I mean... it wasn't like I could concentrate on anything else. 

But this morning one of my players, haddayr , emailed to say that she's feeling too sick to fully participate. She's going to try to listen in, but no garuntees. This is our very first session? Players (at least the first one to respond, anyway,) made it clear that they are willing to go ahead without her, but... given how today is going so far, I'm sort of waiting for the other shoe to drop. 

To be perfectly clear, it would be okay if it did. I have learned from my other online groups is that it's always best to have at least two dates arranged ahead of time. So, if we have to cancel this time, we KNOW when the next session is supposed to be. It's already on the calendar. 

It's more that this has just felt very typical of almost all my days since last Tuesday. I feel very much like I can't get my feet under or, when I do, it's for something that is no longer happening or gets postponed or just doesn't work out for whatever reason. 

How are the rest of you doing?

 Last night, when I was coming home from dropping off my HR paperwork for my new job, I saw a car that was stuck at a weird angle. At first, I thought that someone must have hit a lightpole, but then, as I went around him, I realized it was someone who was stuck and desperately trying, by himself, to move his car to the curb. So, I pulled over and walked back to him and offered my assistance. Together, even though the car was heavy and at an awkward angle, the two of us managed it. He was Black and I'm a big ol' white dyke.  Both of us strangers to each other. Just trying to do the right thing while people went around us, oblivious or unwilling to stop and help. 

And I thought: THIS.

This is what we must do on some metaphorical and possibly literal level.  It was just the two of us. It was a simple job, but not one he could accomplish alone. No one else stopped for us. But, it didn't matter. It didn't matter that the majority of people weren't on our side. Together, we were strong enough for the job we need  to do, right then.

Yeah, it was a small thing and very, very, VERY big things lie ahead. And there will be things that will be too big for us to change, things we can't stop, things we will lose. But, that shouldn't stop us from trying. It shouldn't stop us from doing what we can for each other... and maybe just because they're the right thing to do.

Yesterday, too, Shawn and I arranged a quick check-in WhatsApp video call with Mason. He's two thousand miles away right now, at university, and, honestly? I just needed to see him, hear his voice. We all said some feeble things to each other and then Shawn, who was calling in from work, had to go. Mason and I hung on the line and just cried together.

And I thought: THIS.

This is just as important, We can't be strong every day. None of us have that kind of energy to spare, nor should we expect ourselves to. Yet, we can take time to seek each other out for a good cry, for raging, for screaming, for grieving. We can just sit in silence and stare into the middle distance. Being together might not "solve" anything, but it helps, I think. It helps us all feel less alone.

I spent a lot of yesterday online, actually, processing with people. I talked to jiawen for awhile--ostensibly to cheer her up, though I think she was the one who made me feel better at the end of the call by reminding me that survival, particularly of queer folks, is, in fact, an act of resistance. Breathing really is enough. It is a slap in their faces that we are here and alive. 

Then, naomikritzer and I sat in stunned silence on Zoom for a long time, as well. 

I'm not going to say we're going to get through this, but forward is really the only direction. And we can take each day as it comes together.